You, like me, I bet entered marriage with stars in your eyes and dreams of happy ever after. Sure there would be problems but that’s life and together we can overcome was my theme. Then you discover that your spouse is not right and doesn’t think and feel like you. The cycle of abuse begins and you learn what gaslighting and trauma bonding mean and your heart is in pieces. I remember telling my Pastor at a time when I was afraid, angry, and beginning to see the abusive behaviors clearly that he was a wolf in sheep’s clothing. She validated my anger and eluded to the fact that he had failed me. Then she pointed out how many people he has helped as a Dr. which made me angrier.
This is a huge topic to take on and there are secular and Biblical ways to understand abuse and divorce. Yes, the Bible has much to say about narcissism and evil and why things happen. If interested, and you are one of my Bible-believing Christian followers please check out, www.biblicalperspectivesonnarcissism.com.
I would like to share my humble way of understanding how to come to peace with leaving a marriage that you entered into with spiritual vows and values that you intended to keep. First I would like to talk about Love — Divine Love. No matter how you interpret scripture, the Universe, Source, Spirit, Jesus… I think we can agree that God is Love, at least I hope so. I hope too that you have been swept away in a relationship of Love with your Creator and in that you are learning to Love like God does. This is the purpose of our lives ultimately.
If you are angry and grieving and shaking your hand at the heavens and asking why this is okay. I believe, however, that after you come through the fires of grief and suffering to acceptance, you will shine and have a deep well of love and compassion for yourself and others. This stuff changes us to our core. One woman told me last week that she is amazed by how her experience has helped her find the gold.
It’s ironic that in the messes and so-called failures is where the energy of Divine Love teaches us and comforts us the most — if we are open-hearted, teachable, and cry out for help.
How To Come To Peace with Divorce When It Becomes Necessary to Leave
1) Take your time discerning if you can. Seek wise counselors that share your values. Determine that you are indeed dealing with abuse. Emotional abuse is just as dangerous as physical abuse, if not more. The wounds and assaults are to your soul and heart.
2) Many like to feel certain that they have done everything they could, especially if there are children involved. For some that means marriage counseling to give your spouse an opportunity to change — if they can. This depends a great deal on where they fall on the spectrum of a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. You can learn a lot here about how a narcissist can manipulate a therapist. If you go, make sure they are savvy about narcissism.
3) Do a thorough evaluation of your health. The stress of emotional abuse can and often will compromise your immune system and create inflammation and disease in your body. This is very serious. Listen to your body. Some empaths and highly sensitive people will internalize the toxic energy of someone by just being around them. This is not unusual.
4) Trust yourself. Know your decision is based on your experience and your truth no matter what anyone else says or does. They are not living in your shoes. Trust that you can connect with Divine love’s grace and spiritual strength to help yourself recover AND help your children. Seek professional help here to find your own support while you are doing your best to show up and be present for them. They will need to grieve and come to acceptance too.
5) Let it die. Let them go. Divorce is a death. If we keep trying to go back and resurrect it, after we know it’s impossible, it will only prolong the inevitable and create more stress and trauma. Children feel the hostility and fear. After the decision is made all communication with the ex-spouse can be treated like business communication. Grieve well. Grief is a normal process that will bring us through if we face the pain without fear.
6) Know that no matter what, your health and wholeness matter to God and you are not to spend your days trying to do God’s work and change this person or live in an abusive situation. See it for what it is and move on when it is time. Plan for yourself and your future in all the practical ways to live safely with boundaries and all the knowledge and wisdom you have gained.
7) Trust in a new beginning. Forgive yourself. Accept your new path. Give yourself credit for how hard you tried. God may hate divorce as the Bible states, but God loves the people involved and will redeem your life and teach you the mystery of Divine Love in the process.
I know this to be true because I have lived it. I felt the shame of being divorced as a woman of faith. I felt like a loser and a misfit sometimes. Thankfully, that is behind me now. I know I did the best I could. Life is stable again and my three young adult daughters are thriving. This means more to me than anything. I have found love again. I have found a deeper love of Spirit than I could have imagined. I have no fear of the future or anything that comes. I have found a deeper love and respect for myself. I also have a pretty nice man to share it all with too! He is kind and safe and for that I am thankful.
I’m here for you. Reach out for a free consult. I am not a preachy person and I don’t impose my faith on my clients. I just sit and be present as your guide and love you through it. 💜
To peace and new beginnings!
Light and love,